Myself to You
by planetofmars
Summary: Loki with both his love and his hatred. Loki/Thor.


**Title: **Myself to You**  
>Author: <strong>Keelover/Planetofmars  
><strong>Rating:<strong>NC-17  
><strong>Pairing:<strong>Thor/Loki  
><strong>Warnings: <strong>None, really.**  
>Word count: <strong>2,923**  
>Summary: <strong>Loki with both his love and his hatred.

**Myself to You**

Thor may not be a relatively bright man, but he can tell right from wrong, and what his brother had done was most certainly the latter. Loki may do many things to hurt Thor, to make him lose faith in loving him, but no amount of physical harm could amount to the lacerations he leaves upon his heart. Thor's heart, like the rest of him, was large in stature, and while many things many things filled his heart, none took a place quite like Loki did. There was his father and his mother, their pride and their smiles. There was his friends and their many adventures, and there was even a spot for Jane and her companions who had cared for him so well.

Those things, however, held little to no light over what Loki held. Loki and his mischief. Loki and his silver tongue. Loki with both his love and his hatred. The fair child he had been raised along side of.

Thor thinks of him, more often then he thinks of other things. No one, it would seem, would speak of him. Thor sometimes wonders if he is real or not, if it were not for his heart and it's many wounds, he might think him imaginary. Thor can hear him sometimes, and though he knows that it is his mind playing the cruelest of tricks on him, Thor cannot help but to strive to listen. Thor can never hear quite string the words together, can never form a viable image.

Thor remains in his chambers, sulking as he sits on the edge of his bed. Thor doesn't think he would want to hear Loki speak; he thinks his heart might finally break under Loki's cruel words. The child he had grown up with, had always been a soft boy, one for thought more so then brains, his mother would say. Thor never minded him, he loved him; still _loves_ him. Maybe, Thor thinks, he loved Loki too much.

Loki hated him.

Loki thought him unfit to be King, and had used his uncanny knowledge of all things taboo to have their father cast him out from Asgard. Loki had said his father was dead, and if it had not been for Thor's friends and the loyal Heimdall, Thor would have believed no different. Loki had lied to him, cut him deeper then any blade of any sword in this realm or the next. Loki had lied to him, and Thor had not doubted his word. Thor had thought him different, had thought him dark instead of light, brain instead of bronze, but never a liar.

Or at least, not to him. Not when it mattered.

There was much to be done as king, and Thor takes those responsibilities with stride. Thor grimaces, without Loki's betrayal, he would not be the God he is today. Without Loki, Laufey would have never slipped beyond these walls. Loki had killed him, the devil made no sense. These thoughts often plagued him at this hour when things were still and so very quiet.

Thor had never been without Loki, not for this long, not without knowing what had become of him. "Brother, why is it you do not rest?" he hears, and it sounds so clear. Thor's eyes, wide and alert, search the space around him, but nothing is to be found.

He sighs, he is weary and strained from lack of sleep. Thor lies down, body warm, he forgoes any cover his furs might offer. "I know you are not with me, brother. I know not what has become of you," Thor murmurs, sleep creeping steadily behind him, "but I know you would not place your person by my side."

Thor falls into a deep slumber, but not before his ears pick up a faint, "You would not know where I would place my person."

Thor groans as he awakes, he does not feel like himself, so sluggish and tired. The effort it takes to move his body is unbecoming, and as his eyes adjust, he sees the sun has cast a much warmer glow then he is accustomed to. He does not sleep this late into the morning, and with much struggle, he gets up and out of bed. "Thor," he hear his mother call.

"Yes," he answers, moving quicker though it pains him greatly.

"Are you well?"

"Yes. Yes," he responds, opening his door and peering down at the woman he use to look up at.

"It is late for you to rise," she says, curious as to whether or not one of her dear children is attempting to deceive her.

"Yes, I celebrated much more then what was acceptable of me," he answers, and she grins, holding his chin within her delicate hands.

"Feel well."

"I shall," he promises as she turns to leave.

"I don't think you well, brother."

Thor turns around. "Loki!" he shouts, but there is nothing, and he cannot tell if it is his brother driving him mad or his yearning for the devil's presence.

Thor suffers in silence, suffers so that he is wounded in battle. A careless mistake that caused a puncture wound to his outer thigh. The wound itself was not note worthy, but that was not what his people noticed. They noticed that his mind was not with them, that his heart was not in caring for them. Thor cannot make apologies for his behavior.

"Is it your wish to drive me into madness?" he whispers, the night cool and damp.

"No," he hears, and while he was not expecting a response, he dares not move.

"Then what?" he questions, frustrated.

"I want you to boarder on madness, dear brother. I want you sane enough to wonder, but too far damaged to do anything of use."

"And this will satisfy you?"

"Greatly."

"Then I shall do it."

There is a stillness in the air, and Thor's hand is quick to move to the right of his person, snatching a slender wrist. Loki looks surprised, actually allows for his true emotion to seep through his tightly controlled features. Thor grins, after all of the madness he had been put through, it was nice to see such emotion still existed. "You treacherous coward," Thor chastises, pulling Loki upon his bed and keeping him there. Loki moves to speak, but Thor places a hand over his mouth.

There would be no more words, not from him. Loki could do so much harm with only his words and Thor had been hurt enough. Loki was not physically strong enough to remove his hand, and Thor felt afraid suddenly, like Loki would vanish at any moment and there would be nothing he could do. Thor could not stop the question at the forefront of his mind.

"Why show yourself now, brother? Why not stay away?" The puzzlement was clear across his face, crystal blue eyes searching a murky green. Thor does not want to remove the well sealed hand he has covering Loki's mouth, but the need for a answer is overwhelming.

They heavy hand is lifted away, but no sound pours from Loki's lips. "Have you nothing to say?" Thor's voice booms, exasperation engraved on his features.

"Have you _anything_ to say?" he questions, voice much softer this time. Loki merely gazes up at him, eyes wide and searching.

Thor's body tenses, he idly trails his fingers over Loki's face, a habit he had picked up when they were young children and their play had gotten to be too rough. Loki is fairly still, and Thor has half a mind to think him dead. Loki's slender fingers curl around Thor's wrist, effectively stopping the other mans ministrations. Loki's nails dig into his wrist, and Thor winces as Loki kisses the prickled flesh. Thor keeps his breathing under control, but this is something he has both dreamed of and loathed.

Thor removes his hand from Loki's grasp, pinning him beneath his body as he merely gazes down upon him, seeking deceit but only recovering fear. Thor isn't sure what Loki is afraid of; him or his own behavior. Knowing Loki, it would more then likely be the latter, Loki had never feared him. "Leave me," Thor orders, anger flushing his cheeks. The temptation to indulge in something completely forbidden was near disastrous, but Thor had responsibilities to remember, people to protect, and he could not do those things if he could not overcome this one obstacle, but it was not merely a obstacle.

It was Loki.

"Be gone," Thor demanded, and he could not meet that sullen gaze he knew mirrored his own. Loki said nothing, _did_ nothing.

"What ails you, brother? What keeps you here? I am broken, do your eyes not see this?"

Loki sits up rather suddenly, and Thor doesn't quite know how to react, but he is both open and guarded. Thor stares at him, noticing that he appears rather calm, like waking from a bad dream and realizing that it was only that; a bad dream. "They know that I am here," he says, head tilting as he strains to hear. This new knowledge makes Thor's chest tighten against his will, he was afraid of what they would do to him.

"They are not welcomed into my chambers at this hour, and know as such," Thor says, hoping to tame the wildness in those once serene orbs.

"Promises, promises," he mocks, and Thor smiles, a semblance of something familiar.

"Then be gone, use your twisted words and magic to banish yourself from my sight, and leave me to mourn you."

Loki laughs, and it appears painful. "I have tried," he says, eyes glaring at Thor with much rage, "to stay away from you, brother, but it cannot be done. I am far too weak to be away from you."

Loki's chest heaves, armor dim in the near darkness, and all of Thor's resolve finally vanishes. Thor smooths his fingers through Loki's dark hair, and though his face mirrors a cool defiance, Loki's head moves along with Thor's motion. Thor's fingers halt in their softness, tangling themselves into Loki's tresses and holding him still. Thor's other hand holds underneath Loki's chin, tilting his face up and towards him. Thor searches for answers in the cool green of Loki's eyes, but there is nothing to tell him no, and nothing to tell him yes.

Thor knows now what he wants, and sets about taking it. Thor is rough in his removal of Loki's attire, but Loki does not appear affronted by his movements. Loki's chest is as pale as the rest of his body, and Thor marvels at him, appeased. Loki's nails dig into the base of Thor's neck, bringing him forward, their eyes locked as Thor silently dares him to speak, to ruin him forever while he still has the chance. Loki presses his mouth plush against Thor's instead.

Loki kisses him like he hates him, and Thor takes it all because it is all he has ever wanted. If Loki shall not love him, then Thor will take what is offered to him, and with much greed, like a starving wolf abandoned by his pack. Loki's flesh is cool compared to his, but together they create a insurmountable heat. Thor has generally felt confident in his life, but this has him unsure and sluggish in his movements. "What is the matter, brother? Can you not bring yourself to—" Thor cuts him off with a bruising kiss, pushing him flush against his bed.

Loki's hands roam along the hard muscle of his back, Thor will not have Loki believing that he is the one in charge here, even if he is—even if this was a play of his and Thor the perfect puppet. The taste of his skin is unlike anything Thor has ever tasted, the quickness of his pule beneath his lips drums soundly through his ears. Thor demands entrance between Loki's thighs, and the other allows it. Thor has never felt so welcome and equally rejected before, and his hands nearly tremble as they slide down along his brothers hips, thighs taught with tension and need. Loki smiles at him, and it almost appears cruel.

It _is_ cruel.

Thor's body prickles with a unfamiliar sensation, and his eyes are accusing as he stares down at the dark haired man. "Brother, what have you done?" he demands, body tensing in confusion and anger.

"I have merely made things more accessible," Loki replies, cool hand bracing the back of Thor's bicep as he guides his hand in between his thighs, towards his opening.

With his index finger, Thor pushes in, and is surprised to feel Loki slick already. Thor feels as though he should be reprimanded for his actions, but cannot be bothered as he lowers his head, placing a kiss to the pale span of his stomach, moving lower to Loki's arousal. Loki hisses as his tongue slides slowly along his tip, adding a second finger. Thor is rather pleased with the noise his brother has made, not realizing how quiet he had been up till this point. Thor pulls away, a line of saliva spread across his bottom lip as he peers intently at Loki. "You will not hold back, understand?"

Loki's face is flush, his eyes defiant, but he nods his head, gripping the throw underneath him tightly. Thor continues in his quest of pleasing the other, taking all he has ever only allowed himself to dream of in small intervals. His mouth creates a tight suction as he completely envelops Loki. The other attempts to thrust forward, but Thor's grip on his hips makes this a impossible feat. Loki let's out a shuddering sigh as Thor continues to work him open. Before Loki can unravel completely, Thor pulls away, jaw slack as a overly pleased grin spreads across his face at Loki's displeasure of him having stopped.

Thor's body looms over Loki's as the mischievous one spreads his legs further to accommodate him. Thor's hand clasps the back of Loki's nape, pulling him in for a kiss as he rests on one knee, hoisting Loki's leg upon his should like some fluttering maiden. Their mouths never separate as Thor breaches his body, breathing harsh as Loki pulls away to moan around the wrist of his hand. Thor pulls the limb away, reminding him that _all_ sounds were to be heard. Loki means to reply with something biting, but the roll of Thor's powerful hips and the drag of his teeth along his exposed throat silences that retort and replaces it with a loud gasp.

Thor's soul drive is to push Loki over the edge, give him his all in the hopes that maybe one day, Loki would be able to do the same. "Thor!" Loki screams his name, head thrown back as he finds that spot within him that makes his eyes glaze over. Thor grunts in approval, pinning Loki completely down as he rocks harder into him.

Loki's erection is trapped in between their driven bodies, and Thor refuses to touch him, to do anything except drive deep within him like an animal in heat. Thor knows that this moment will not last forever, that soon his world will come full circle, and Loki will be gone once more. Thor places his nose into the crook of Loki's neck, nuzzling in a intimate gesture. Thor removes his vice-like grip, allowing for Loki to drag his nails along the side of his arms, fingers holding Thor's jaw with a firm pressure, nearly bruising as their mouths push and pull, and Loki's quick tongue slides against his. Thor dips his head low to place a kiss to the center of Loki's chest, groaning as the other releases over both their chest and stomachs.

Loki never stops moving against him, never stops his sated noises or spoken desires. Thor can only hold back for so long, keep this facade that everything after this will be fine. Thor comes deep inside of Loki, body thrumming with pleasure as he lays beside his brother. He does not bother to try and hold the other, cuddle him in any manner, as Loki was never fond of such things. Thor's eyes are closed when he feels light touches caress the side of his abdomen, he opens his eyes in anticipation, but is met with no one there.

Thor's eyes snap shut, again. The disappointment and pain he knew would be there comes tenfold, and he isn't as prepared for it as he once thought he would be. Thor is still very much naked, has no doubt that what has transpired is in fact real, but he wonders if what Loki said is true or not. Thor wonders if his brother is truly bond to him in the same damning manner as he was to him. Thor can hear his voice resume once more, but instead of causing inner turmoil and self doubt, these words are clear and welcomed, and meant only for him.

The words Thor hears does not harm his heart, but lulls it into a docile sleep instead.

Whether they will be as kind tomorrow is a mystery.


End file.
